Being attracted to people is part of being human. It is easy to find a beautiful person or a funny person or an intelligent person attractive. It is also quite easy to want to spend more time with that said person or desire to enter into a relationship with that person. But what if that relationship is more than friendship and what if you are married while you want a relationship with that other person?

I never thought I would be married and find other people attractive. Thankfully there hasn’t been anyone yet who I have been tempted to run off with, but older wiser people have told me that there will be at least one person at some point that will capture my eye, mind and possibly my heart. But there will also be many people that I will find myself being attracted to even though I love my wife. What do you do when you are attracted to someone you are not married to?

Here is what I do when I am faced with the very rare situation where I find someone other than my wife desirable.

  1. I remind myself of the gospel and my marriage vows. I remind myself that just like God has been faithful to me in the gospel, I have made a covenant to be faithful to Kate and therefore the gospel and our marriage vows remind me who I am called to be.
  2. I remind myself of all the things I love about Kate. This is a very easy thing to do as there are so many things I can think of that I love about my beautiful, intelligent, godly, fun wife. After I have recalled the many things that I love about Kate, I pray thanking God for each one of them and I also ask for divine assistance to help me constantly see the many great qualities Kate has.
  3. I tell myself that the picture I have of this other person is distorted. When we are attracted to people we are generally only thinking of their good points like the way they look, their humour, their sporting ability, etc. We never really focus on or even remember their faults. This gives a distorted picture and so I need to tell myself what I am really attracted to is not a human with good points and bad points but a fantasy, and reality will be a lot less desirable. I also pray that God would give me a real picture of the person and not a fake one.
  4. I analyse what is happening in my life. It is not surprising that when I am down or feeling sorry for myself or that I am not as content as I should be that attraction to women other than my wife is more likely to happen. With that in mind I make sure when attraction to other women does come I analyse my situation and I then make myself understand the link between my circumstance and the attraction.
  5. I then confess my sin to a brother in Christ. I am blessed with brothers in Christ who will hold me accountable and who will remind me of how great Kate is and also how this other person will be nowhere near as good of a fit for me as Kate is.

Every time I have gone through this process, I have found myself loving and appreciating Kate more and more and I have found my attraction to the other person to go away. I never thought I would be married and be attracted to other people but this process has helped me overcome it on the very rare occasions that it happens.

Did you ever think you would be attracted to anyone other than your spouse?


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